You guys. I've never been cool. In all my life. I was always the chubby kid - the kid who got picked on. The one who always got hit with the dodge-ball (read about that HERE) I haven't ever been one who goes with the fad things - the cool jeans - the cool purses, etc. It's just not me.
And here's the thing. I'm about to say something CONTROVERSIAL here. Many of you will disagree with me. Some of you will nod your heads in disbelief that I just had the heifer-balls to ADMIT this out loud (I mean, for all 3 diehard blog fans I have...)...here goes...(taking a deep cleansing breath here...)
I DON'T LIKE STARBUCKS.
I don't like fancy cawfee drinks that you have to drink with your pinky finger extended "just so" - I don't buy into the hipster vibe there (I created hipster 30 years ago with my Kmart special yoga pants and tie dye tank top, with a messy bun, before it was a "thing")...
So yeah. Don't hate me. I'm just being honest.
BUT.... here's the deal. All my friends (and I do mean ALLLLLLL my friends) ... love this place. They drive-thru on the daily. Every single day, it goes down like this:
"Yes, can I please have a double-decaf skim mocha latte frappuccino no soy vanilla bean on top, leave real estate on top, extra hot, 2 ice cubes, plus splenda." I just sit next to them like this:
I could go on and on. (You know me. You know this is true.) I will spare you.
Yesterday, I met with a friend at... you guessed it. Starbucks. Why? Because she picked the place. My friends ALWAYS pick the place and they ALWAYS pick Starbucks. Cue the Nancy Kerrigan WHYYYYYYYYYY battle-cry.
I brought my lunch in (grilled chicken, thank you Chipotle-next-door!) and sat with her while we chatted and I ate my chicken. Up until this point - I knew nothing and had heard nothing about this Unicorn Poop drink that evidently just rolled out yesterday. Lucky me!
As we sat there, chatting, me eating my chicken and my friend enjoying her Chai Tea (or was it Tai Chi?)... I watched person after person walk away from the counter with this purple frap situation. I had no idea what was going on.
At first, I'm thinking I was in some bizarro world where preschool invaded Starbucks. I looked around though - not many school-aged kids. Phew.
Then I let it go (cue Elsa)
We kept chatting, etc. and one by one I noticed about 8 out of every 10 people walking away with this drink. What the whaaaa? What was it? I am a curious Heifer. I had to find out.
So, yeah. I did what any other self-respecting Heifer would do. I sacrificed $5 on research. I sauntered up to the counter in my yoga pants, gross tank top that I hadn't changed yet from the gym, and baseball capped head... and asked this lovely 12 year old behind the counter (ok she just looked 12, whatever)... "what's the deal with the purple magic in a cup?"
She just kind of stared at me as if I had two heads. I mean I KNOW I didn't change from gym clothes, but up until that point - I was feeling like I looked ok. Then suddenly I doubted myself. Did she think I was rogue because I brought my Chipotle in to eat it? Did she think I looked like her stepmom that she hates? Whaaaaaat? It was #awkward until she answered with a flip of her hair.... and a roll of her eyes... "That's the UNICORN drink, ma'am." I had to keep asking questions. Questions like, "is it coffee? what's it taste like?" And her response---"it's a cream based frappuccino with food coloring." Then she just stared at me. o_0 Nice sales pitch I guess. She probably figured that EVERYONE who was ANYONE knew what this was. So clearly I was a nobody. Duh.
How could I be the ONLY person in the WORLD who hadn't heard? Evidently yesterday was THE DAY!!! The most incredible, magical, unicorny day of the whole decade. Starbucks invented liquid UNICORN!!!!
WELL GLORY BE!
I had to get in on this. Because, remember, I've never been cool. I WANT TO BE COOL. And all of the 923,342.5 (that point five is for the little babies who shared with their perfectly coiffed, perfect-butt and perfect hair mommies who just came from the gym, makeup totally in tact) people who walked in and ordered one LOOKED COOL when they walked out, magical sparkling unicorn-drink in hand.
I had to. I just had to. I ordered it up, and when they asked for my name, I said "Candy!" as if that'd been my name my entire ::coughcough:: 29 years on this planet. It just felt right. Just work with me here.
I sit down, and watched while the 34 drinks before me (30 of which were unicorn magic) were made and handed over, until finally, the moment of truth. I saw MY unicorn drink, the cup that said CANDY on it. The beautiful, purple and blue food dye day-dream of a drink.... make its way up to the counter.
I hopped up as a quickly as an cadbury egg fan on Easter morning and ran up to the bar to get it. I was FINALLY one of the cool kids! Behold, below, in all its glory... the MAGICAL UNICORN JUICE!!!!
Well. Let me tell you. I couldn't just dive right into this drink. No way. Why? Because I had watched all 982,234 cool people who had just gotten one. No. They did not dive face-first into this colorful concoction. They took pics. Not just any pics. SELFIE PICS. Pics of their unicorn with other people. Pics of their unicorn on their car dashboard. Pics of their unicorn doing cartwheels. Pics with the FedEx guy and their unicorn. It went on and on.
Pics. Pics everywhere. I watched and learned. So one does not just SLURP DOWN a Unicorn Magic Shake. No no no. The horror.
RESPECT THE UNICORN.
I watched and learned. So I began taking pics.
So many pics. I took 45 pics of this drink. I can't even lie. Ok maybe 46. I deleted one because #heiferBelle didn't like the angle.
Then, with the anticipation of a kid at Christmas.... I unwrapped the straw, almost remiss to interrupt the amazing artwork that was in front of me - and I shoved it way down to the bottom.
I was curious what this cream-based frappuccino with food coloring would taste like.
ERMAGAWD. CUE THE PUCKER FACE.
When I say pucker, I don't mean your average pucker, like your grandma does before she chases you down for your annual hug and kiss. I mean PUCKER up like you've never puckered before. Pucker like your life depends on the intensity of your pucker face. Which is not to be confused with poker face . Totally different scenario. Trust me.
This sh*t was NASTY. i have eaten many things in my life. I've traveled the world and tried crazy foods. I've accidentally eaten cat in China (don't ask, please, don't ask, dear Gawd don't ask), and nothing... NOTHING, I tell you, was as disgusting as this drink. This is a $5 decision I regret.
It was sour. Not sweet. SOUR. My mouth and lips involuntarily puckered for 48 seconds (my friend timed it, bless her heart.) I think I may have had a small seizure as well, as a result. It was....how shall we say this nicely.... gross.
I finally recovered from my pucker face and looked around, horrified to see other people were watching me, and a few were nodding in agreement.
You mean even the COOL KIDS don't like this?
I posted on one of my facebook groups that I was trying it (because if you don't post it on social media - did it even happen?) Here are a few of the comments:
"I'm curious what she (#heiferBelle) thought, because I think it sounds vile. it's pretty, though!"
"450 calories, 80g of carbs and 76g of sugar -- sounds like a pre-marathon race drink or refueling at mile 20."
"Sounds like a long porta potty stop....😳😳😳"
"Holy shit. Sounds like diabetes in a cup!"
"Yuck!!! My husband took my daughter to get one because she "had" to get one. Ew."
"I don't do those kind of drinks. That one looks gross."
"I am guilty of taking my daughter for one today. She didn't think much of it even with all that sugar. Yuck!"
"I don't even want to know, the chemicals. I can't even imagine people willingly drink this."
" I don't even know what that is, but I think my blood sugar just spiked to a dangerously high level just by looking at the picture."
"Good. I'm vomiting for you"
So yeah. The masses were skeptical. With good reason. Here's the nutritional breakdown on a size large (whatever that's called in Starbucks-talk). For the record, I ordered a small (which was met with "do you mean trenti ventie super smallo?" Um, yeah. I don't speak Starbucks. Give me a small. That's what normal people call it.
I will say this. Just 450 calories for all that sugar? Impressive. But carbs? Holy heifer. Look at that carb count. What the whaaaaa? The food coloring alone was quite a colorful array of artwork. I was really digging it. I let it sit for an hour while people came and went, all of them admiring its beauty and grace and magic. Actually, two college aged girls came by our table and asked if it was good. Instead of just TELLING them my thoughts - I did what any decent respectable heifer would do. I made them pose with it and #heiferBelle. They actually tasted it (girls, here's a lesson: NEVER TASTE A STRANGER'S FOOD ... ) but they were very sweet and I don't have any communicable diseases, so they're safe this time....
i believe their response was something like,, "Man, we're in college and even WE wouldn't buy that!" Um...yeah. Because ... YUCK. So yeah, there's that. I tried to give it to them. They wouldn't take it.
Here is my Unicorn after an hour of sitting on the table, untouched except by these two ladies up above in the photo.
I mean, it didn't melt. This was after an hour of sitting on the table, watching the world go by.
Think about this. What iced drink doesn't melt? In Phoenix?
I don't know, heifers. This drink is just... well, not so magical. A few people asked if my poop was purple and blue after drinking it - but I didn't drink it beyond two tasting sips, so sadly, you'll have to do your own research on that one. Please feel free to chime in and let us know, though. Inquiring minds wanna know.
As for me and my herd?
No. We'll gladly leave our ventie trenta quatro-double-dipped extra soy no coconut milk magical unicorn behind the counter, and please pass me some fruit-infused water. Which I will drink like a proper heifer, with my pinky finger extended, like all the cool kids do.